Stab the Night: My Relationship with English

solitudeisnotloneliness:

I moved to India at age 7 and constantly faced people telling me the way I spoke or wrote was wrong. That we should adhere to the ‘right’ English, the Queen’s English, which seemed entirely fucking ridiculous then given the animosity Indians claim to have for their former rulers. I worked for years, years, modifying my accent, my speech patterns, my writing style to fit the new land but it was always a conscious effort. Speaking still is a conscious effort. I don’t know what my natural speech pattern is like anymore. I hide behind the different Englishes I use: interspersed with Tamil at home, with colloquialisms when talking to friends, and stiflingly, mockingly British when addressing figures demanding authority. I don’t speak unless I have to, and with the people I’m most comfortable with I make up words to release the confines of language altogether. I love the English language, and it’s subtleties; I have an immense degree of control over the twists it can take. But I’ll never feel entirely myself because I don’t even know what ‘myself’ is. 

I’d like to be convinced that this post has a point, and I think it’s this. Although I love words and the austere beauty of composition, it’s the last thing a language needs. Never tell someone that their not using the language right. Ever

From my other blog. And still relevant. 

Unreal City

drip, drip, drip;
the rain’s still falling
faster, then faster, even faster now
washing away everything that made
the world we knew
a world that’s supposed to be gleaming clean
is so tired, now
so unable to move forward
to deal with the slowly seeping puddles
so unable to break forth from the rectangles
boxing us in,
drawing forth chaos from the depths of the system
caging in the change
caging in the freaks that walk the street
past eight, nine, ten
clutching with cracked nails frantically at cups and butts alike
like their survival depends on their grip
their drag
their hysterical quickstep down narrow passageways
hooded in newspaper and thin polythene
fear pushing them on
now beating footpaths in unison
left, then right, now left again
thudding
single minded, orphaned
now ignoring the thousands of people
trudging the same weary march
dropping, at the drop of a hat
peels and tails
hoping to degrade
into disappearing dirt
dirt, slowly silting
into a concrete jungle
with steel boxes towering
over sandboxes and metal bars
obscuring the gradually greyer sky
reflected in neglected parking lots
in their queasy silence, tense to the ear
punctuates only by thunder
bringing forth a dry rain
thunder and random rumbles
of diesel engines
belching smog,
rising up
mingling with the open sky
smugly staring down
at the perfect little grid
the grid, constructed for convenient decay
hiding its signs in order and ease
in people walking in perfect lines
forced down that path, not down the quickest;
in buildings, still towering, still magnificently high
still bearing down on you
still obscuring any real reflection we have of us
still lying to you about what exists beyond
but is it really lying
when there’s no colour you know of but grey?

why can’t the rain wash the grey away?
why does desolation never fade?

perfect squares now fading away
obscured by a torrent of humanity
pressing forth upon its creation
now consciously choosing anarchy
crashing glass, showing now true sunshine
crashing bins, containing generations of garbage
crashing signposts, crashing fences,
crashing sandboxes, now cracked and spilling forth
crashing containers for hopes, dreams
crashing feet, hitting pavements, now haphazard
now fearful in hysteria
now rampaging, lost the beat
cacophany
replacing what no longer is an order
rectangles now have run their course 

and it all falls down

 We’ll sneak out while they sleep
And sail off in the night
We’ll come clean and start over the rest of our lives
When we’re gone we’ll stay gone.
Out of sight, out of mind.
It’s not too late,
We have the rest of our lives.

I’m so afraid

i think this is the first time i’ve said this,
but i’m so, so afraid,
i’m so afraid to even take a decision right now
     so afraid to choose for myself
and still so afraid to let someone else take my decisions
            so afraid to have situations slip from my grasp.
more than that, i’m freaking out
head rushing, heart pumping, not thinking straight
dancing with the devil, tempting fate
not sure what i’m doing, but i sure know
that in the long term it’s all really going to blow
curled up in a ball, hidden in the dark
the emptiness is when i know that he’s made his mark
fill it with chatter, empty light
and know it’s not gonna be ok when it’s night
shivering now, now even fucking more
speech doesn’t come but when it does, it pours
  and i’m still afraid.
  why am i still afraid
  why can’t i take control 
  make my thoughts my own
  …why don’t i have thoughts anymore?
why does someone else leave me in this hole?
trapped in a vortex where i cannot feel
can’t feel for the fear that feeling
would consume me
and consumption is not good
      consumption can’t happen
      i’ve gotta stick this out.
i can’t fucking stick this out
i wanna run. and hide.

i wish nobody in this world knew.

i wish this hadn’t happened.
i wish i hadn’t got myself here.
         yeah, i know what they say.
         ”it’s not your fault”
         ”you did nothing to deserve this”
         isn’t that fucking easy
         to not want to change the only thing you could have
         to not want to have control
         to not see your actions leading you to a different place
         to not blame yourself for it in some way
         to not feel sorry for him, in some way
         to not want this to all go away
             and see yourself doing that.
i wish i could stop shaking.
i wish i could afford to feel
  and not have to worry about losing myself in the feeling
i wish i could say with confidence that i wasn’t going to lose myself
i wish i wasn’t afraid
i wish i wasn’t afraid to be afraid
i wish i wasn’t afraid to tell people that i was afraid
i wish i knew why i am so afraid. 

i wish it hadn’t taken me ten long fucking days to admit that i was afraid
i wish i could heal
i wish i could want to heal
         i could try to heal
i wish i wasn’t afraid to try to heal. 

I’m angry that I’m angry.

Kids, don’t try this at home…

8 am. Tick tock, tick tock, the incessant whirring of the clock, and I cannot be persuaded to stay aware. ‘Svegliarsi’ is the word for waking oneself up in Italian, and trust me, I wouldn’t be awake if not for other people. There is no waking myself up. just… five more minutes…

8:30. Wonderful. A frenzied dash at the shower, unable to philosophize like I am wont to in the steam. If only for some time, the answer to the problems of the world would have been identified already. If only for some clarity of thought.

Get out of the shower, and stand in front of the mirror. Goddamnit, not again. 
I could wear that dress, but I wore it four days ago, and Jamie was talking about it.
What if she remembers it? I cannot be showing that lack of clothing diversity.
Fuck man, that dress worked. It did. I need to save it.
So what do I wear?
Those jeans, they’re way too faded. Really.
That skirt was from way back last year, how was that fashion even a thing? Lord knows I’m not getting back into that thing.
That dress, it bloat up my calf.
These shorts, fuck I’m muffin top-ing. This weight is piling on, I’m not even sure from where. Ugh, no, look at that fat roll. Not going to put that on.
Ohmigoodness, why on earth does this make me look so short? It kills the ratio, I look more massive than usual.
This dress, my boobs look too small. Fucking flat. Like a fourteen year old. Legitimately. I’m not attractive in this.
I’m not attractive in any of my clothes.
It’s probably cause I’m fat.
Fuck, though, I haven’t worked out in a week. Fuck midterms. Fuck me.
Alright, let’s just throw something on to cover me up, and let’s get going.
Make-up.
High fucking heels, I’m not getting to class on time anyway.
You look good, girl. Go for it.
Yell non-sequiturs out to yourself, eventually you’re gonna believe it.
Walk downstairs, past food. 9:15, I’ve still got time. Food?

Maybe not today.

…hey there!! Haven’t seen you in so long! I have lost weight? Must be the dress.

birds of paradise
rays of sunshine
birds chirping a lilting melody
moonlight
starlight
lighting up the darkest night
i’d sure trade lives with someone
i identified with love
with happiness
with waking up every morning feeling alright
awaiting the start of a brand new day
excited for life
realizing a prophecy
getting by -
then I realize, oddly enough
that’s what some would say of me
for everything is looking up
and ever full of joy
and considering things objectively,
i don’t see anything wrong.

so then why do I see so much darkness?

time
an endless continuum
with every second a diamond
meaning more than one can fathom
is precious, although it’s known
that infinitely many still exist
means more
when infinity actually means something
when endlessness is tolerable
when forever inspires a smile
when unlimited quantities have value
when the angel is found
to forever hold on to.

Translation: We are all angels with only one wing, if we want to fly we have to embrace another.

Translation: We are all angels with only one wing, if we want to fly we have to embrace another.